Late Night Thinking

When I was a little kid we would ask my father, “Daddy, what did you do when you were young?” I expected an answer like, “I had a paper route” or “I was a delivery boy,” but his first answer was always, “I was a jerk.” 

I understood this to mean he had a low self-concept, but lately, as I know myself better,  I’ve come to a different answer. I feel like a jerk sometimes, too. I wonder why it’s taken me so long to learn things that now look so obvious. We may be a family of slow learners. 

The World According to Garp: The Undertoad

Garp explained to his son that there are currents in the ocean we cannot see, but that are very dangerous. He warned Duncan about the undertow, how it can sweep you away. Duncan was a little boy and he heard “Undertoad.”

I think about the Undertoad, the sense of foreboding and dread that has no discernible source, but that we can feel and that sometimes can sweep us away. 

My Undertoad right now is the job search. It underlies all the other angst and anger that I feel right now. What will I do if I don’t get a job?

The Thing About Things

My kids don’t want me to give them things. Not new things; not old things. Not my things; not their Dad’s things. No things.

And, truth be told, they think I’m a little nuts to own all the things I have. (Thanks Marie Kondo!) They look at my life, my space, and see clutter. 

I see the people I love, especially in the things with the least value. Mom’s “macaroni dish” takes me back to summer evenings of London broil, fresh cantaloupe, and macaroni salad. David’s tie reminds me I was a young bride once. And on and on and…