mylifein100words

Month: June, 2013

A Spiritual Life, But Not in a Box

Sometimes a spiritual life does not fit within a structure.

Jennifer, a devout Catholic, is a friend I worked with for 10 years. I will always be grateful for her whole-hearted acceptance of me.  Over the years of our friendship Jennifer was able to recognize and applaud the spiritual part of my character.  She knew that whether I attended Mass or not, my relationship with God is an important part of me. She saw that I tried to live by the virtues we often think of as Christian. I try to ignore the others who proclaim me “not good enough.”

Little brains, little bodies

She would grab my leg—my thigh to be exact—and say, “Oh, you’re such a sturdy little girl.”  Other times she would describe me as ‘solid’, “A solid little person.” I remember my mother reacting to the sturdy little body I toddled around on, a normal, ordinary child.

What do you think I grew up with, though? Feeling fat always. Noting every bite that went into my mouth. Hating my thighs.

After hearing for years what a fat child I was, my daughter saw a picture of me. “Geez Mom! You were not fat—you were average.”

Who knew?

Don’t Be Sad!

There are days when I wake up and I want to cry.  There isn’t anything wrong exactly. My life is good—very good. Yet I have tears that are present, waiting beneath the surface.  If this makes me a sad woman that is not who I want to be!

What’s to blame for these tears of mine: Is it simply hormones—raging in the wrong direction? Grief? Depression? I don’t have an answer. I simply  continue about my business; live my life and wait for the tears to recede. They will be back, the tears, I just never know when.

For Miriam (because she read me!)

One day:

I saw a little girl on the Metro today. She wasn’t like you at all, but she was just like you.  About two years old, she was aware of everything around her. She was smart and observant. She was easy going. She was beautiful.

Another day:

I saw another little girl that reminded me of you. She was walking away from her mother in a very determined way, confident of herself. Then, she turned to wait for Mom, the connection still there.

I miss my little girl sometimes, while adore and admire the woman that she has become.