mylifein100words

Month: August, 2014

To Robin Williams

Throwing word count to the wind, this is what I wish I could say to Robin Williams:

“Hang on, you are going to turn the corner. You will. It will get better around the bend. I know for sure because I’ve been there. I have had those very same thoughts.

‘The world will be better off without me.’

‘I can’t stand this ache anymore and I just want it to end.’

I’ve had thoughts like those since I was 16 years old. I don’t have them so much anymore; that’s why I know a corner can be turned. You just have to keep working. I know—it’s exhausting, but you gotta keep trying.”

Having lost a husband and a father so recently, I can feel the pain his family is going through. It makes me inexorably sad. We lost an icon; they lost the love of their life. If only he could have seen around the corner.

Thinner

I liked being thinner. I liked the size I was. I hate myself when I am chubbier. Truly. There is a voice inside me that spontaneously says, “I hate you.”

I don’t remember a moment of my life when I didn’t think about what I was putting in my mouth. I don’t remember a moment when I didn’t think about my size or my weight. I don’t remember the freedom of eating without an agenda or a goal.

I yearn to live without thinking about how much I weigh. I yearn to live without being consumed by what I eat.